Day 7

6/27/12

Wednesday. The middle of Bible school. The middle of the week. I don't remember much about the day, I know we texted and all that jazz ;) then I went to Bible school and then we had another crazy night. Ag. It hurt my heart to see you hurt. It hurt me to know that I was hurting you and didn't really realize I was. You are so strong- you have no idea how much I value that. You are very different than me. Much more easy to get along with- and way more understanding. To know that you were inside praying for me while I was outside dealing with stuff that should've been dealt with a long time ago- meant the world to me. Oh, it melted my heart. Thank you for your calm demeanor and your rationale. I dont have those things all of the time, and I am very grateful to have you to bring that to my life.

Thank you for holding me. Thank you for listening- because you did not have to. Thank you for staying and not running away like you had just seen a ghost. I know I can be a lot to handle- and it isnt just sometimes. It is ALL the time. I have a pretty high bar of expectations for myself and when I miss it- it gets pretty ugly and the ugly cry comes out again. One of my biggest fears in life is that I won't be the person that I want to be. I won't be successful. I won't make a difference. That I will keep on settling and this "settle" will be the thing I hate most in life but cant get away from. That I will keep being a disappointment and hurting people who love me. Failure is hard for me to accept. Please understand that. At any given time you can pull a handful of emotions out of me. I used to suppress them. Oh gosh- now they just come on out like a bunch of clowns in a clown car at the circus. You never know what you are going to get- sorry!

Oh how blessed my heart is to have you. When you look at me, something is different. Your eyes pierce my soul. They look into the depths of me. They see hurt and they see a lot of shame, but never do those eyes get stern or fill with rage towards me. They also light up when I walk into the room. They beam and get huge when you hug me. They follow me around the room- and you thought I didnt know this. Those eyes are where I find a lot of comfort. Though I may cry and never look at you when I am upset- And I have a permanent hole in the bottom of my lip from having to check my emotions, I know those eyes love me unconditionally. You have seen me in the mornings- and woken up next to the crypt keeper and didnt run. Maybe we should get your vision checked now that I think about it? Thank you for seeing me at my worst- but choosing to see the good in me that I sometimes dont know is there.

Since I showed this to you yesterday 6/28- I hope that when you read this, you fall more in love with me- and that we are made stronger. Sometimes it is really hard to verbally say what I want to say to people-I say things without thinking about the choice of words- or the impact they will have on someone- so writing helps me get it out exactly how I want to say it. I hope you read this and see a different side of your girlfriend. I love you babe.

I will write about the 1st time you told me you loved me and kissed me on the next post. :)