6/27/12
Wednesday. The middle of Bible school. The middle of the week. I don't remember much about the day, I know we texted and all that jazz ;) then I went to Bible school and then we had another crazy night. Ag. It hurt my heart to see you hurt. It hurt me to know that I was hurting you and didn't really realize I was. You are so strong- you have no idea how much I value that. You are very different than me. Much more easy to get along with- and way more understanding. To know that you were inside praying for me while I was outside dealing with stuff that should've been dealt with a long time ago- meant the world to me. Oh, it melted my heart. Thank you for your calm demeanor and your rationale. I dont have those things all of the time, and I am very grateful to have you to bring that to my life.
Thank you for holding me. Thank you for listening- because you did not have to. Thank you for staying and not running away like you had just seen a ghost. I know I can be a lot to handle- and it isnt just sometimes. It is ALL the time. I have a pretty high bar of expectations for myself and when I miss it- it gets pretty ugly and the ugly cry comes out again. One of my biggest fears in life is that I won't be the person that I want to be. I won't be successful. I won't make a difference. That I will keep on settling and this "settle" will be the thing I hate most in life but cant get away from. That I will keep being a disappointment and hurting people who love me. Failure is hard for me to accept. Please understand that. At any given time you can pull a handful of emotions out of me. I used to suppress them. Oh gosh- now they just come on out like a bunch of clowns in a clown car at the circus. You never know what you are going to get- sorry!
Oh how blessed my heart is to have you. When you look at me, something is different. Your eyes pierce my soul. They look into the depths of me. They see hurt and they see a lot of shame, but never do those eyes get stern or fill with rage towards me. They also light up when I walk into the room. They beam and get huge when you hug me. They follow me around the room- and you thought I didnt know this. Those eyes are where I find a lot of comfort. Though I may cry and never look at you when I am upset- And I have a permanent hole in the bottom of my lip from having to check my emotions, I know those eyes love me unconditionally. You have seen me in the mornings- and woken up next to the crypt keeper and didnt run. Maybe we should get your vision checked now that I think about it? Thank you for seeing me at my worst- but choosing to see the good in me that I sometimes dont know is there.
Since I showed this to you yesterday 6/28- I hope that when you read this, you fall more in love with me- and that we are made stronger. Sometimes it is really hard to verbally say what I want to say to people-I say things without thinking about the choice of words- or the impact they will have on someone- so writing helps me get it out exactly how I want to say it. I hope you read this and see a different side of your girlfriend. I love you babe.
I will write about the 1st time you told me you loved me and kissed me on the next post. :)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day 6
6/26/12
Well, today was another SWAT day- and I can honestly say I prayed just as much for you today as I did yesterday. God is good. My prayers would be that you would be protected and have nothing come at you. So even though you were bored, God was listening to me- and I am so grateful for that. I get so many sweet texts from you today. It is obvious you want me in your life. You send me the HOTTEST pic ever of you in uniform and I have to restrain myself to not come through that phone and take a whole lot of advantage of you! You also send me pics of teammates- and that was cool. I prayed for the team, not just my favorite player of it.
The day goes ok for you- we had a reallllllllllllllllllly rough night. Not to dwell on the negative- but I saw beautiful glimpses of your true character come out when you drove flew got to my house really fast just to make sure I was ok. Do you know how scared I was when the doorbell rang? I date you and I was scared out of my mind to know how you figured out where I live. Then I was reminded that is kinda what you do for a living- I am seeing I will have no secrets- if I had any- with you. I bet the people you bust up on have way more terror than I did- because I got to be held by those arms and not cuffed by them. Bad night. BUT in it all- you reminded me that you- and everything you bring to the table- is what I have waited my whole life for. You let me cry to you and you listened- with intent and nothing but protection. It feels so good to be in your hug- to know nothing can get me when I am there. It made me feel really good to know that you- you Kevin Pope- wanted me and came after me. You were doing what guys do when they love a girl. This is all still new to me- so please forgive me if I just looked stunned when you showed up. Not a knight in shining armour- a SWAT teammember with guns. In a charger. Way more awesome than a horse. Ready to get his girl and take no crap from anyone or anything. This is the moment when I knew everything you said was TRUE. And that you werent taking no for an answer.
I was your girlfriend and you were going to do anything in your power to make me safe. This love came on so fast- but in that instant- I knew I wasnt playing games- this was REAL. I love the way you hold me. You make all of the ugh, the bad, and the awful go away. It doesnt stick to me when I am with you.
I am free to laugh with you- talk to you openly about anything- sit next to you- kiss you- and just cry crocodile tears with you- and you never change. You are still there for me. You want to be there for me. Oh, this is so new. But I like it. No- I love it. The idea that someone- you- think I am it and are not going to give up on me- can never be penned into words. Or typed I guess. You make me feel things I havent felt- ever. Not just in a long time- but ever. Safety. I have never felt that. Desire and burning passion just to get to know me- not take advantage of me. If this is it- I am so thankful I raised my standards and got what I wanted. Your love- the love you so freely give me- is wonderful. Thank you for wiping my tears, for giving me real advice, and for loving me when I am broken. That is a hard thing to do- but you do it with no hesitations. If this is the stuff dreams are made of- I am so glad I get to live it out with you.
Well, today was another SWAT day- and I can honestly say I prayed just as much for you today as I did yesterday. God is good. My prayers would be that you would be protected and have nothing come at you. So even though you were bored, God was listening to me- and I am so grateful for that. I get so many sweet texts from you today. It is obvious you want me in your life. You send me the HOTTEST pic ever of you in uniform and I have to restrain myself to not come through that phone and take a whole lot of advantage of you! You also send me pics of teammates- and that was cool. I prayed for the team, not just my favorite player of it.
The day goes ok for you- we had a reallllllllllllllllllly rough night. Not to dwell on the negative- but I saw beautiful glimpses of your true character come out when you
I was your girlfriend and you were going to do anything in your power to make me safe. This love came on so fast- but in that instant- I knew I wasnt playing games- this was REAL. I love the way you hold me. You make all of the ugh, the bad, and the awful go away. It doesnt stick to me when I am with you.
I am free to laugh with you- talk to you openly about anything- sit next to you- kiss you- and just cry crocodile tears with you- and you never change. You are still there for me. You want to be there for me. Oh, this is so new. But I like it. No- I love it. The idea that someone- you- think I am it and are not going to give up on me- can never be penned into words. Or typed I guess. You make me feel things I havent felt- ever. Not just in a long time- but ever. Safety. I have never felt that. Desire and burning passion just to get to know me- not take advantage of me. If this is it- I am so thankful I raised my standards and got what I wanted. Your love- the love you so freely give me- is wonderful. Thank you for wiping my tears, for giving me real advice, and for loving me when I am broken. That is a hard thing to do- but you do it with no hesitations. If this is the stuff dreams are made of- I am so glad I get to live it out with you.
Day 5
6/25/12
Focus on the good. I woke up next to you again. I sent you off with a ton of kisses and an amour of prayer over you and your team. Today was a good "test this water see how deep it really is" day. Oh- this SWAT stuff is overwhelming. I have never done this before. BUT- as I come to work after running and praying for you and your team- and I make it in on time- my sweet friend Sandra greets me at the back door to ask all about the date. The one who texted Saturday to see how the date was Friday- and I said- I am still here! Oh- I didnt have to say anything to anyone. Every person who passed by that bench could tell something was different about me. My smile was back. The smile that truly lights up a room. I GUSHED again over you- to not one, not 2, 3- but roughly 10 people about you and the weekend you gave me. I was different. I was changed. I was back to the happy girl that people tell me I used to be. I was her.
Every single one of the women I worked with heard this story so many times. I was laughing. Speaking to them. Because I have kindof been a hermit the past while. I would just come shut my door and cry in here. And then pull it together and go out to at least let them know I was in there. Back to story. Monday was the best day, oh, My happiness lasted all day. I got a lot of work done. I prayed for you every time I thought about you- please know that this was a lot. I was scared out of my mind about whatever you were doing but God provided and I am so grateful. It was so good to finally get texts from you saying you were ok. And THEN. I come back in my office from some pool time with the guys (not threats to you fyi) and I have a weird feeling something isnt normal because all of my coworkers are just reallllly quiet. I walk in my office with my bathing suit on under my new dress- and I see the bigget brightest bouquet of my FAVORITE flowers on my desk with a big card. I immediatly open the card and read the words: With Love, From Kevin. My heart just literally busted out of my chest. You really were listening. Kevin, wow, you made this smile get so big. And all my coworkers were just waiting to see what I would do- and what the card said. You are an amazing person. Never ever forget that.
Monday VBS starts- you text me all through it- and it gives me great hope that you really do care about the things that I am involved with. That night- you know we had a crappy turn of events and I came over and cried. But- erase all that and you scooped me up in your desk chair and help me close. So close that I felt like this was one of those "deserve" things I had been hearing about. We moved to the floor and you talked to me and held me some more- and then- you asked me to be your girlfriend. ??!??!?!?!?!?!?! Huh?! No I heard you- but I am just processing it. Is this right? Is this it? GOD!? I get to lie awake with you and love on you and you do the thing that I was least expecting. You ask to pray for us. WHAT? Stop. The. Bus. You prayed the sweetest sincere prayer over us, and you dont know this, but tears were steadily filling my eyes and heart. Never feel like you have to impress me with words. You are praying to our Creator- and you have an audience of 1. I just get to be blessed to hear those sweet words sent up to God on my behalf. I am pretty sure it was this moment when another bad layer of hurt and distrust and never wanting to date again is gently removed and polished. My heart was so overjoyed. I didnt ask you to do that. You did it own your own. Your true character shown through Mr. Pope- and it was absolutely beautiful.
Sneaky way to ask me to be your girlfriend- send me my favorite flowers and there is no way I could say no- especially when you back it up with one of your out of this world kisses and deep deep discerning eyes. In the words of Michael Jackson- you rock my world!
Focus on the good. I woke up next to you again. I sent you off with a ton of kisses and an amour of prayer over you and your team. Today was a good "test this water see how deep it really is" day. Oh- this SWAT stuff is overwhelming. I have never done this before. BUT- as I come to work after running and praying for you and your team- and I make it in on time- my sweet friend Sandra greets me at the back door to ask all about the date. The one who texted Saturday to see how the date was Friday- and I said- I am still here! Oh- I didnt have to say anything to anyone. Every person who passed by that bench could tell something was different about me. My smile was back. The smile that truly lights up a room. I GUSHED again over you- to not one, not 2, 3- but roughly 10 people about you and the weekend you gave me. I was different. I was changed. I was back to the happy girl that people tell me I used to be. I was her.
Every single one of the women I worked with heard this story so many times. I was laughing. Speaking to them. Because I have kindof been a hermit the past while. I would just come shut my door and cry in here. And then pull it together and go out to at least let them know I was in there. Back to story. Monday was the best day, oh, My happiness lasted all day. I got a lot of work done. I prayed for you every time I thought about you- please know that this was a lot. I was scared out of my mind about whatever you were doing but God provided and I am so grateful. It was so good to finally get texts from you saying you were ok. And THEN. I come back in my office from some pool time with the guys (not threats to you fyi) and I have a weird feeling something isnt normal because all of my coworkers are just reallllly quiet. I walk in my office with my bathing suit on under my new dress- and I see the bigget brightest bouquet of my FAVORITE flowers on my desk with a big card. I immediatly open the card and read the words: With Love, From Kevin. My heart just literally busted out of my chest. You really were listening. Kevin, wow, you made this smile get so big. And all my coworkers were just waiting to see what I would do- and what the card said. You are an amazing person. Never ever forget that.
Monday VBS starts- you text me all through it- and it gives me great hope that you really do care about the things that I am involved with. That night- you know we had a crappy turn of events and I came over and cried. But- erase all that and you scooped me up in your desk chair and help me close. So close that I felt like this was one of those "deserve" things I had been hearing about. We moved to the floor and you talked to me and held me some more- and then- you asked me to be your girlfriend. ??!??!?!?!?!?!?! Huh?! No I heard you- but I am just processing it. Is this right? Is this it? GOD!? I get to lie awake with you and love on you and you do the thing that I was least expecting. You ask to pray for us. WHAT? Stop. The. Bus. You prayed the sweetest sincere prayer over us, and you dont know this, but tears were steadily filling my eyes and heart. Never feel like you have to impress me with words. You are praying to our Creator- and you have an audience of 1. I just get to be blessed to hear those sweet words sent up to God on my behalf. I am pretty sure it was this moment when another bad layer of hurt and distrust and never wanting to date again is gently removed and polished. My heart was so overjoyed. I didnt ask you to do that. You did it own your own. Your true character shown through Mr. Pope- and it was absolutely beautiful.
Sneaky way to ask me to be your girlfriend- send me my favorite flowers and there is no way I could say no- especially when you back it up with one of your out of this world kisses and deep deep discerning eyes. In the words of Michael Jackson- you rock my world!
Day 4
6/24/12
Today was a special day. You texted me all throughout the day and somehow convinced me to MEET YOUR PARENTS. Huh? Say what Willis? Your parents? It is our 3rd time hanging out. Is this normal? No- no one is about to do what we are about to do.
As I am about to get in my car with 2 little blonde kids in the backseat- I run over to a white pickup truck with my friends and their sweet blonde babies in the back seat and they say- what are you beaming about? And I said "I had a date!!" I run back to my car and then feel the need to run back to my best friends and say "And I slept over last night and I am so excited!" They die laughing and say- call us we want an update!! As I am driving to Crockett's, I get a text from Andrea that says "it is so good to see you genuinely smile again!! I have missed this part of you! I am happy you are happy1" What friends I have, so blessed.
I eat lunch with one of my favorite couples and they tell me all about you, Mr. Abercrombie. Yes, yes you live up to that name OH SO WELL- you are the TOPIC of conversation. Everything I say is brought back to you- and over and over and over again I hear "I havent seen her smile in so long!!"
All the while I am beaming, choking on too salty of turkey, laughing and smiling. Do you know what it feels like to truly smile again? Oh, my big old cheeks hurt today. In the back of my mind I have to ponder the words I just heard before lunch from my ex-boyfriend's dad as his family (minus the ex) comes to the same place for lunch. He introduced the Simpson clan- and then me- as someone's girlfriend. And I immediately blurt out EX girlfriend and you can see these strange looks overtaking me. Like someone said SEX out loud in church. I just smile and walk in. And Laurie says, what was that about? I say- I dont know but that is not how it is. I stand in a parking lot talking about the past 3 days with you and my friends can not only sense that I am happy- but they have great satisfaction in knowing that what they said came true. It is so nice to have people around to get happy when you are happy. Ps they said- as soon as I let go, I would find happiness.
I drive over to another friend's house with kids and as I sit in a sweetly green and pink painted little girl's room at my best friend Andrea's house- I GUSH over how much I like you. I listen to advice from a friend who truly cares about my happiness and has been there for me when I was at my worst. Her husband comes in and he says something to the effect of geeze I cant sleep because yall are in here talking about some guy! And I tell Lee all about you- who has been a direct guy friend who has listened to me the past 6 months of my life complaning about crap. I said these exact words "Lee- he has a tool shed. With tools in it and he knows how to use them!" He smiled for me. And said "Looks like you found a MAN. Bout time! And I went on and on about you having a house, a truck, and ambition. Both of my friends were excited for me. They said they wanted to hang out with you. That is a big step, because I am the only person they ever let come over. No one else. They live in the quiet life. I guess they need to be reminded of what nonstop talking is so they invite me over ;)
I come to your house after church- and I am not only nervous, but scared out of my mind about making a good impression. I have to hold true to Andrea's words that if I just be myself that will be good enough. And so it begins. Dinner was wonderful and I lose my nerves very quickly. I felt accepted and wanted- and they cool part: you loved on me in front of your parents and brother. Huh? What is this? You touched me and held on to my thumb- and even sensed to move your legs closer to mine because I was nervous at the table. You kissed me. You made me feel like I was already apart of the family. There was no awkwardness with your family and I loved everyone. It made my heart smile to catch youchecking me out staring at me a few times. Oh- this was a good good day. I looked like a ragamuffin and you made me feel beautiful.
Move to that night. I am only going to focus on the me and the you- not the anything else that happened and was distracting- so heads up.
You asked me to stay just so you could kiss me goodbye in the morning. Again- please pinch me- because guys like you dont exist. Or at least not ever in my life before. You wanted to wake up next to me. You showed me your SWAT gear- just to ease my mind of coming into dating someone who really does risk their life to save others. It made me feel so much better that you took the time to explain that to me. Oh, I felt a tiny glimpse of love. In that moment, I saw you different. You not only want to protect me with everything in you- but you wanted me to know you were protected as well. I got to go to sleep with you holding me- and wake up before you and just spend some sweet time with you. Prayers were sent up that entire night for you- because we both know the reason why I didnt get any sleep :s eek.
Oh- today was a good day. All the things I have wanted- were finally coming true. Dreams that I quit pinning on Pinterest months ago flooded my memory and I saw happiness unfold before my eyes. My Pinterest boards have been getting a lot of action since last week- fyi. The part that I dont understand- and maybe never will- is how you can just touch me and make me feel the safest I have ever felt. I am safe with you just in the house- not even in the same room as me. These are new feelings, but I know they are old wants. They have just never had the chance to come to fruition. You make a lot of things real to me. Snuggling next to you- warms my heart. And back. Because you produce enough body heat we could use you for geo thermal heating ;)
My friends have all said "You DESERVE to be happy". I didnt believe I was capable of that- ever. Or if I had ever truly been happy. The past weekend has shown me- that with the right person, I can be more than happy. I can be my normal fun loving, laugh at the top of my lungs, and smile so big you can see my molars-self. Thank you for finding this girl again. I had forgotten who she was.
Today was a special day. You texted me all throughout the day and somehow convinced me to MEET YOUR PARENTS. Huh? Say what Willis? Your parents? It is our 3rd time hanging out. Is this normal? No- no one is about to do what we are about to do.
As I am about to get in my car with 2 little blonde kids in the backseat- I run over to a white pickup truck with my friends and their sweet blonde babies in the back seat and they say- what are you beaming about? And I said "I had a date!!" I run back to my car and then feel the need to run back to my best friends and say "And I slept over last night and I am so excited!" They die laughing and say- call us we want an update!! As I am driving to Crockett's, I get a text from Andrea that says "it is so good to see you genuinely smile again!! I have missed this part of you! I am happy you are happy1" What friends I have, so blessed.
I eat lunch with one of my favorite couples and they tell me all about you, Mr. Abercrombie. Yes, yes you live up to that name OH SO WELL- you are the TOPIC of conversation. Everything I say is brought back to you- and over and over and over again I hear "I havent seen her smile in so long!!"
All the while I am beaming, choking on too salty of turkey, laughing and smiling. Do you know what it feels like to truly smile again? Oh, my big old cheeks hurt today. In the back of my mind I have to ponder the words I just heard before lunch from my ex-boyfriend's dad as his family (minus the ex) comes to the same place for lunch. He introduced the Simpson clan- and then me- as someone's girlfriend. And I immediately blurt out EX girlfriend and you can see these strange looks overtaking me. Like someone said SEX out loud in church. I just smile and walk in. And Laurie says, what was that about? I say- I dont know but that is not how it is. I stand in a parking lot talking about the past 3 days with you and my friends can not only sense that I am happy- but they have great satisfaction in knowing that what they said came true. It is so nice to have people around to get happy when you are happy. Ps they said- as soon as I let go, I would find happiness.
I drive over to another friend's house with kids and as I sit in a sweetly green and pink painted little girl's room at my best friend Andrea's house- I GUSH over how much I like you. I listen to advice from a friend who truly cares about my happiness and has been there for me when I was at my worst. Her husband comes in and he says something to the effect of geeze I cant sleep because yall are in here talking about some guy! And I tell Lee all about you- who has been a direct guy friend who has listened to me the past 6 months of my life complaning about crap. I said these exact words "Lee- he has a tool shed. With tools in it and he knows how to use them!" He smiled for me. And said "Looks like you found a MAN. Bout time! And I went on and on about you having a house, a truck, and ambition. Both of my friends were excited for me. They said they wanted to hang out with you. That is a big step, because I am the only person they ever let come over. No one else. They live in the quiet life. I guess they need to be reminded of what nonstop talking is so they invite me over ;)
I come to your house after church- and I am not only nervous, but scared out of my mind about making a good impression. I have to hold true to Andrea's words that if I just be myself that will be good enough. And so it begins. Dinner was wonderful and I lose my nerves very quickly. I felt accepted and wanted- and they cool part: you loved on me in front of your parents and brother. Huh? What is this? You touched me and held on to my thumb- and even sensed to move your legs closer to mine because I was nervous at the table. You kissed me. You made me feel like I was already apart of the family. There was no awkwardness with your family and I loved everyone. It made my heart smile to catch you
Move to that night. I am only going to focus on the me and the you- not the anything else that happened and was distracting- so heads up.
You asked me to stay just so you could kiss me goodbye in the morning. Again- please pinch me- because guys like you dont exist. Or at least not ever in my life before. You wanted to wake up next to me. You showed me your SWAT gear- just to ease my mind of coming into dating someone who really does risk their life to save others. It made me feel so much better that you took the time to explain that to me. Oh, I felt a tiny glimpse of love. In that moment, I saw you different. You not only want to protect me with everything in you- but you wanted me to know you were protected as well. I got to go to sleep with you holding me- and wake up before you and just spend some sweet time with you. Prayers were sent up that entire night for you- because we both know the reason why I didnt get any sleep :s eek.
Oh- today was a good day. All the things I have wanted- were finally coming true. Dreams that I quit pinning on Pinterest months ago flooded my memory and I saw happiness unfold before my eyes. My Pinterest boards have been getting a lot of action since last week- fyi. The part that I dont understand- and maybe never will- is how you can just touch me and make me feel the safest I have ever felt. I am safe with you just in the house- not even in the same room as me. These are new feelings, but I know they are old wants. They have just never had the chance to come to fruition. You make a lot of things real to me. Snuggling next to you- warms my heart. And back. Because you produce enough body heat we could use you for geo thermal heating ;)
My friends have all said "You DESERVE to be happy". I didnt believe I was capable of that- ever. Or if I had ever truly been happy. The past weekend has shown me- that with the right person, I can be more than happy. I can be my normal fun loving, laugh at the top of my lungs, and smile so big you can see my molars-self. Thank you for finding this girl again. I had forgotten who she was.
Day 3
It's Saturday. I am so looking forward to sleeping in! vrrrrrrrbbbb. That is my phone vibrating. At 6:03 am. On a SATURFREAKING DAY. I am about to go postal, but BB & T had already woken me up, so I grogily unlock the phone and see a text that said good morning/ good night. This sweet boy from lunch texted me when he made it safely home, just so I would have a sweet message to wake up to. Huh? Who is this?
I fall back asleep- do my Saturday stuff and you have again made plans with me. This time- at your house. Huh? You own your own house? Is this real life (again)? And I am just as naseous as I was about lunch- but this time, I really feel like I could vomit. Crap- I think I really might. One of the two. But I get pretty- and I actually feel pretty- I make the trek to your house and I am praying the entire time. God- what do you want me to do? Is this right? Oh what am I doing?
I love how you are staking out the road and just let me pass right on by. Ps- thanks for the AWESOME directions. Cause that road you live on, doesnt exist to the Crave's GPS. :( Embarrasing point #11 I am sure. Here it goes. I get out and there you are. With those big arms waiting just for me. I dont know what these feelings are, but I like them. I feel like this is right, and real, and I am really happy. Like- everyone at work knew that I was excited about the date and it showed. The date went awesome and I was even happier- scared, but happy. Today I am super excited to meet your pups and be alone with you again. PS- I still dont believe you about that lil pup Pee-Wee. I didnt even get a growl. I think you are a liar. But I have called you that before ;)
This. This time. Whooooooa. I am pretty sure that we couldve just talked the entire night. Wait. That IS what we did. Like....I was with you awake and saw the sunset on the drive back home from Kroger- and I was in your arms watching the sunrise on Sunday. Huh? Did I really just stay up and pull an all-nighter for a GUY and not a PAPER? Did I grow up or is this a dream? I don't remember half the stuff we talked about- so dont fault me- but I do know that I loved every second of it. Talking about what you wanted in a girl, your job (and to see you get excited about it, that blesses my heart), and everything else- was so fun. Granted- I felt like a walking pile of wet laundry the next day- but it didnt even matter. You do realize we stayed up a really long time dont you? And it wasnt forced and it wasnt something I had to beg for. You just did it. You wanted me there and made every step possible to keep me there. I can tell you this: on this day: I woke up in your arms on a comfy couch- and decided in that moment while you were asleep- that THIS is what I wanted. To wake up IN THE ARMS of someone who couldnt sleep without holding on to me.
I actually got to wake up with you twice- since I crashed on the bed. Zombies have to die sometime, you know? I leave for church and these are my thoughts: process them:
whatjusthappenedohmygoshdidireallyspendthenightwithaguyidontevenknowdidhereallycookdinner withmeanddoeshereallylivethiscleanandcrap. hesmelledmymorningbreathandsawmewithnomakeupandstillwantedtohugmeheevensaidthathewashappythiscantberealife
crapcrapcrapcrapcrapwhatamidoingdoideservethisisthisokwhatissoandsogoingtosay-wait. stop. the. bus. soandsodumpedme-it is HIGH time I started living in the happy and not in the crappy.
I just want you to know- this was the best night I have had in a LONG TIME. Like years. I hope we can do this again. It felt so right- so real- and so perfect.
I fall back asleep- do my Saturday stuff and you have again made plans with me. This time- at your house. Huh? You own your own house? Is this real life (again)? And I am just as naseous as I was about lunch- but this time, I really feel like I could vomit. Crap- I think I really might. One of the two. But I get pretty- and I actually feel pretty- I make the trek to your house and I am praying the entire time. God- what do you want me to do? Is this right? Oh what am I doing?
I love how you are staking out the road and just let me pass right on by. Ps- thanks for the AWESOME directions. Cause that road you live on, doesnt exist to the Crave's GPS. :( Embarrasing point #11 I am sure. Here it goes. I get out and there you are. With those big arms waiting just for me. I dont know what these feelings are, but I like them. I feel like this is right, and real, and I am really happy. Like- everyone at work knew that I was excited about the date and it showed. The date went awesome and I was even happier- scared, but happy. Today I am super excited to meet your pups and be alone with you again. PS- I still dont believe you about that lil pup Pee-Wee. I didnt even get a growl. I think you are a liar. But I have called you that before ;)
This. This time. Whooooooa. I am pretty sure that we couldve just talked the entire night. Wait. That IS what we did. Like....I was with you awake and saw the sunset on the drive back home from Kroger- and I was in your arms watching the sunrise on Sunday. Huh? Did I really just stay up and pull an all-nighter for a GUY and not a PAPER? Did I grow up or is this a dream? I don't remember half the stuff we talked about- so dont fault me- but I do know that I loved every second of it. Talking about what you wanted in a girl, your job (and to see you get excited about it, that blesses my heart), and everything else- was so fun. Granted- I felt like a walking pile of wet laundry the next day- but it didnt even matter. You do realize we stayed up a really long time dont you? And it wasnt forced and it wasnt something I had to beg for. You just did it. You wanted me there and made every step possible to keep me there. I can tell you this: on this day: I woke up in your arms on a comfy couch- and decided in that moment while you were asleep- that THIS is what I wanted. To wake up IN THE ARMS of someone who couldnt sleep without holding on to me.
I actually got to wake up with you twice- since I crashed on the bed. Zombies have to die sometime, you know? I leave for church and these are my thoughts: process them:
whatjusthappenedohmygoshdidireallyspendthenightwithaguyidontevenknowdidhereallycookdinner withmeanddoeshereallylivethiscleanandcrap. hesmelledmymorningbreathandsawmewithnomakeupandstillwantedtohugmeheevensaidthathewashappythiscantberealife
crapcrapcrapcrapcrapwhatamidoingdoideservethisisthisokwhatissoandsogoingtosay-wait. stop. the. bus. soandsodumpedme-it is HIGH time I started living in the happy and not in the crappy.
I just want you to know- this was the best night I have had in a LONG TIME. Like years. I hope we can do this again. It felt so right- so real- and so perfect.
Day 2
6/22/12
Today is the day. I have my hot and sweaty game face on. I've done 3 deoderant checks outside in front of parents to make sure I am not going to knock your socks of, like for real. I fix my hair the best that the curls will go flat- and I am in a sheer panic of what is about to transpose. My best friend Amy at work knows that I am giddy, and she is excited for me- and that makes me excited. I blurted it out to 2 of my coworkers and they got a gleam in their eye as well. "Maybe this will be fun" "maybe you will like him" I showed them your picture and Charlotte said "yep. that's the one. this is it." Huh? From a picture? You know this? And thepanic excitment crazy sets in. What am I doing? Is this ok to be going on a lunch date? Snap back to reality "Rachel, yes this is ok- um you are single last time I checked." Right. I am. Ok, if he doesn't like me today, he wont ever like me. Be yourself and let everything work itself out. It is just lunch. Not. It is sooo much more than that. Overwhelming. Crazy. Oh my gosh did someone- a really hott guy ask me out to lunch? Here goes nothing.
I totally have no idea what you drive- but I was preparing for a motorcycle. As I try and put on some makeup on my gross nasty orientation face, you drive up next to me in a pretty blue truck (yes!) and give me the biggest smile from your window. Yeah- I saw it. Here. goes. nothing. I step out, see you and you are much hotter than I remember you being ;) a big hug and you said I lied to you. You said I looked really pretty- not really gross.
Off we go- and spend the next 2.5 hours in complete talk mode. There was no dead silence. There was no awkwardness. I ate in front of you. I must've been repulsive or have awful table manners, because you didn't eat. At all. It was so nice to hear about someone else's drama than hit the replay button on mine. You smiled and laughed at me, and with me I guess... All my nervousness went away. It was like this was the normal for me. The way it should be and shouldve been. When we finally see that, ok they closing down, we got's to go, we leave, and I can't help but think: this guy doesnt even know me and I just had the best date. ever. and I wonder what he thought. Because I am feeling things I havent felt before. or in a long time. I didnt want to leave. I wanted to just go sit and talk to you more.
I give you a hug- and my broken heart and cloudy head says do. it. again. And I am so glad I did. It was amazing to be hugged by some really buff arms and lean on a chest that was bigger than mine, ha. Inside that hug I felt safe. I felt right- and I felt like- CRAP WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Lots and lots and lots of texts later that night we make plans to hang out again. Stayed up in the wee hours of the morning just talking to you. It was like I couldnt get enough. I wanted more. And I cant explain that.
Today is the day. I have my hot and sweaty game face on. I've done 3 deoderant checks outside in front of parents to make sure I am not going to knock your socks of, like for real. I fix my hair the best that the curls will go flat- and I am in a sheer panic of what is about to transpose. My best friend Amy at work knows that I am giddy, and she is excited for me- and that makes me excited. I blurted it out to 2 of my coworkers and they got a gleam in their eye as well. "Maybe this will be fun" "maybe you will like him" I showed them your picture and Charlotte said "yep. that's the one. this is it." Huh? From a picture? You know this? And the
I totally have no idea what you drive- but I was preparing for a motorcycle. As I try and put on some makeup on my gross nasty orientation face, you drive up next to me in a pretty blue truck (yes!) and give me the biggest smile from your window. Yeah- I saw it. Here. goes. nothing. I step out, see you and you are much hotter than I remember you being ;) a big hug and you said I lied to you. You said I looked really pretty- not really gross.
Off we go- and spend the next 2.5 hours in complete talk mode. There was no dead silence. There was no awkwardness. I ate in front of you. I must've been repulsive or have awful table manners, because you didn't eat. At all. It was so nice to hear about someone else's drama than hit the replay button on mine. You smiled and laughed at me, and with me I guess... All my nervousness went away. It was like this was the normal for me. The way it should be and shouldve been. When we finally see that, ok they closing down, we got's to go, we leave, and I can't help but think: this guy doesnt even know me and I just had the best date. ever. and I wonder what he thought. Because I am feeling things I havent felt before. or in a long time. I didnt want to leave. I wanted to just go sit and talk to you more.
I give you a hug- and my broken heart and cloudy head says do. it. again. And I am so glad I did. It was amazing to be hugged by some really buff arms and lean on a chest that was bigger than mine, ha. Inside that hug I felt safe. I felt right- and I felt like- CRAP WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Lots and lots and lots of texts later that night we make plans to hang out again. Stayed up in the wee hours of the morning just talking to you. It was like I couldnt get enough. I wanted more. And I cant explain that.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day 1
6/21/12
So, this is how it all began, from my point of view. Maybe one day you will write yours on here too. I'm at work- and I decide it is my daily eleventy time to check Facebook. This time when I get on something is different. I have a message from a "friend" who I recently added back (sorry you didn't make the last nonfriend purge cut) and it was the typical message we normally have. How is your knee? My FB archives say you asked me that a lot in 2006. But this time, for some reason: something was different.
I can't explain it- ok well I can. ...coming out of the hell I had been in the past 6 months- seeing your pretty face on my screen made me smile. Really- seriously- why on earth would your silly knee surgery friend cross your mind? In my moment of "please God- show me what you want for me and take all of this crap away from me"- in you walk. Or pop up I guess. (that's what she said). You asked how work was. I asked where you were stationed and said we should get together if you were ever in Milly. Little to my surprise- that reunion would be on its way in a very short period of time. reasoning.
A lot of facebook messages later, 7, to be exact- and you had somehow convinced me to meet you for lunch the next freaking day and give you my phone number. Aren't we the sneaky one?
That night- we texted and talked and talked and talked and talked. Til 2 am. WHAT?! Did this really just happen? Is this real life? In the back of my mind I am scared to death about having lunch with you. What if I mess up? I havent done this in so long- what if there is dead silence? What if I have food in my teeth? WHAT AM I DOING on the phone with a guy at 2am? Why now? What is he thinking? Why did he even ask? Oh my gosh. Can you say STRESS?
I give you fair warning I will be a hot mess- literally because of Orientation. I somehow slept a little different that night. Maybe with a big ol grin on my face that tomorrow I was having lunch with a hott guy- at my favorite place!!
So, this is how it all began, from my point of view. Maybe one day you will write yours on here too. I'm at work- and I decide it is my daily eleventy time to check Facebook. This time when I get on something is different. I have a message from a "friend" who I recently added back (sorry you didn't make the last nonfriend purge cut) and it was the typical message we normally have. How is your knee? My FB archives say you asked me that a lot in 2006. But this time, for some reason: something was different.
I can't explain it- ok well I can. ...coming out of the hell I had been in the past 6 months- seeing your pretty face on my screen made me smile. Really- seriously- why on earth would your silly knee surgery friend cross your mind? In my moment of "please God- show me what you want for me and take all of this crap away from me"- in you walk. Or pop up I guess. (that's what she said). You asked how work was. I asked where you were stationed and said we should get together if you were ever in Milly. Little to my surprise- that reunion would be on its way in a very short period of time. reasoning.
A lot of facebook messages later, 7, to be exact- and you had somehow convinced me to meet you for lunch the next freaking day and give you my phone number. Aren't we the sneaky one?
That night- we texted and talked and talked and talked and talked. Til 2 am. WHAT?! Did this really just happen? Is this real life? In the back of my mind I am scared to death about having lunch with you. What if I mess up? I havent done this in so long- what if there is dead silence? What if I have food in my teeth? WHAT AM I DOING on the phone with a guy at 2am? Why now? What is he thinking? Why did he even ask? Oh my gosh. Can you say STRESS?
I give you fair warning I will be a hot mess- literally because of Orientation. I somehow slept a little different that night. Maybe with a big ol grin on my face that tomorrow I was having lunch with a hott guy- at my favorite place!!
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